Come Back to Bed

YOUR SPACE FOR ONLINE PLEASURE-CENTRED, JUDGEMENT-FREE AND HOLISTIC RELATIONSHIP AND SEX THERAPY

The human behind the screen

I'm Selina Nguyen (she/they). I'm a relationship and sex therapist and founder of Come Back to Bed. I've spent years studying the science and the art of good relationships and good sex. My holy mission is creating better sex and better relationships for all through education, pleasure and connection. Fluff up your pillows, get cosy and let's go.

Pleasure is political. Pleasure is radical. Pleasure is generative. Pleasure is relational. Pleasure is erotic.

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THERAPY

It's Not You, It's the Mental Load

Picture of various medications on a red background

The Gender Pain Gap: Not in Your Head, Just Ignored

Collage of pictures of different celebrity bodies throughout the yeras

How am I supposed to feel good in bed when my body type isn't trending?

Four friends swimming in a lake with a backdrop of trees and a boat

So You Want to Explore Non-Monogamy?

The Sheets

So many of y’all are goin through it right now ❤️‍🩹 Whether it’s mercury retrograde, the end of year pressure or the culmination of years of pain and ruptures, I see you

I personally love the process of break-ups and the richness they offer. Break-ups and endings offer so much permission to simply be messy, to do what you want or to make changes. They offer such a clear invitation and mirror for reflection around “what do I want to keep and what do I want to let go of?” 🪞

When we can stay grounded in our experience and not get lost in the stories and playing “who’s the bad guy?”, we can savor the walk back home to ourselves

There is something wild about this time of year and just how common it is for relationships to feel more of the pressure and to also crumble underneath it. It’s a lot and it’s hard to navigate when in western contexts we have such a weird relationship to endings, whether that be through death, separation, break-ups, changes in relationship structures or otherwise.

It’s a lot of isolation, feelings of failure and “I should be over this already” or “are my friends over hearing me talk about this?”, it’s “am I the bad guy or are they?” It’s an endless pendulum swing of feeling everything all at once or feeling numb

So in honour of the endings of all forms going on at the moment, I pulled together more gems in recent sessions about loss, grief and endings which I thought I’d share with you. I also included one of my favourites that has gotten me through a time or two ❤️‍🩹 Take what helps, leave what doesn’t

So I hear you’re in relationship limbo ❤️‍🩹 This time is especially difficult for a multitude of reasons whether it be big highs and big lows, external stressors applying pressure to your relationship, holding onto nostalgia and hope, loneliness or something else totally.

As the EOY ramps up and break-up season fast approaches, the pressure on relationships can become more intense. In amongst the disconnection or the conflicts, it can feel difficult to make a grounded decision. Here I present some reflection prompts to support you in navigating this time 🌀

Go slow x

My stack of books to read just gets longer and longer because the learning never stops and I’m fortunate that my job has all these never-ending directions and niches that tickle my brain.

So this is my attempt at accountability and sharing books that I am SO keen to jump into. Mind you, this doesn’t even touch my fantasy TBR 😀

I’m always so curious about what’s on other people’s radars, lmk what else I should add 😈 #bookreviewers #bookrec #bookrecommendations #tbrlist #tbrpile

Answered some Love Letters to Juliet for you about love, The One and the human fear of being alone 💌 @sydneymorningherald

Photo of the Cohens by Dan Simantov •

Therapy keeps teaching me so much about what it means to be human and all the messy, complicated, beautiful parts of it all.

Lately sessions have been big reminders about resilience, the full spectrum of emotions, and what it means to love and want. Here I share some gold nuggets that clients and I have reached together in therapy sessions lately with no context, that I thought you may need to hear too 💌

Here I continue my rant about the mental load and share various and common ways the mental load can show up around intimacy and the bedroom 🪞 It’s worth examining if any of these show up in your life and where did they come from 🫣🌀

While some of these points can appear on the surface as thoughtful gestures, is it really the selfless act that we think it is if it’s bound up in obligation and duty? If it asks us to sacrifice our own embodied consent, comfort and pleasure?

The irony is not lost on me that the folks who most likely are the ones performing this endless mental labour in their relationships are probably also the ones following this account and the ones that I’m still encouraging to do even more labour to rewrite these narratives. Yet this is the pickle in which we find ourselves and the curse of over-functioning.

So let’s talk about it, let’s ruin the mood and learn that “the mood” is not so fickle 💋

A big theme in sessions lately (and always) and I am full of rage 😀

We can take ourselves through so many mental gymnastics for the sake of protecting “the mood”, no wonder we’re exhausted and turned off?? What also happens years down the track is that all this mental labour can often harden into resentment and miscommunication.

Sometimes this labour is imposed upon us, and sometimes it is also what we assume is our role without any explicit conversation. However it is always connected to and built upon a series of learnt and often patriarchal beliefs that keep us stuck like the ones I’ve mentioned 🫣

When a client comes in to talk about low or lack of desire, we go full picture here 🤝

Of course yes the end goals are often about bringing back more intimacy, but the strict focus on numbers can be reductive, rigid and sometimes backfire by placing more pressure on ourselves or partners to keep up with a number. There can also be shame attached to not having as much intimacy as you think everyone else is or your perception of what is “normal” - so here we lean into frequency as simply information and another piece of the puzzle that we’re figuring out.

I look at these factors because they are big contributors to desire and wanting more intimacy:

If it feels like pleasure is the last priority, if we can’t talk about intimacy together, if we don’t know what we want to be different, if we can’t tolerate the sting of hearing a partner say not now - these are some of the more common blocks to desire and are significantly more telling than how often you’re getting down and dirty.

These blocks also provide the path back to desire and reconnecting 💋

Wanna figure out this puzzle together? Taking on limited new clients before closing my books for the end of the year. You know where to find me 💌

I am in fact always advocating for more making out

Medical invalidation, misdiagnoses, having symptoms dismissed and having to bounce from doctor to doctor is too often a part of the experience of being a woman and AFAB person. We’re often told that it’s all in our heads, to have a glass of red and relax, or to add another medication to the roster 😀😀

Nina David goes deep into what the gender pain gap is and how it impacts everything including management of chronic illnesses, autism diagnosis even, our finances, and mental health

Read it on the blog!

Y’all I have been FED when it comes to books lately. It’s been a hot min since I’ve done my last “Sx Ed for a Sx Therapist” drop so here’s my latest and all five star reads tbh. No notes, just straight up emotionally ripping me to shreds, giving me a warm hug and then making me rage which I love in my books 😀📚

Comment what you’re reading at the moment xx #nonfictionbooks #bookreviews #bookrecs

I love my calendar so it is a surprise to no one that I am pro-scheduling-intimacy and I say “intimacy” here in the broadest definition of the word, not necessarily scheduling hanky panky.

Here are some classic do’s and don’ts for scheduling. Especially as the end of year chaos picks up speed and calendars start to fill up with social events and soon-to-be Christmas parties, I say give it a go.

Send that calendar invite and see what happens 💌

It’s World S-xual Health Day and sometimes I forget what a cool job I have. Part of what makes it so cool is my friends and colleagues who are just so passionate and so supportive and so smart with their big beautiful brains and are changing lives all over the world with their education, normalization and challenging taboos.

I get to learn from them every time we chat or every time I see their sweet little names pop up on my screen. I learn so much and I think you could too so here are some of my favourite accounts as of late 💌📚🫀

Share the love, comment who else is a must follow

A mosaic of experiences lately reminding my clients and I how nice it is to be human and to connect and be silly and make meaning of little moments 🫀

When it comes to reconnecting to our desire, pleasure and eroticism, I say less self-help books and more filth! More thigh-clenching tension! More yearning! More cliterature! Thank me later 🧚‍♀️👅📚

Many self-proclaimed perfectionists may not consider how these behaviors can bleed into our intimate lives, yet they always do in some shape, form or flavour.

I love the philosophy that how we approach intimacy can be a mirror for how we show up in many other areas of our lives, yet many of us think of intimacy as something that is siloed and separate and should be unaffected by how our brains tend to work in other contexts.

Of course insert the usual disclaimers that any of these named behaviours aren�’t always or simply only perfectionism. Sometimes it’s lack of education, sometimes it’s a shitty relationship, sometimes it’s neurodivergence etc.

It’s about to be spring here and we’re coming out of hibernation 😈

I’ve been talking to a lot of clients lately about feeling stuck and stagnant in all the mental rules that we create for ourselves about how to act and what to do when it comes to dating. There’s a wonderful change that comes with realizing that you have free will to create your own rules, and that the change of seasons is as good a time as any 🫐

Writers, artists, philosophers and scientists alike have been trying to crack this one for centuries. As more and more folks identify as being in romantic relationships with their AI companions, it begs the question what does it mean to love and be loved?

Is it enough that we feel loved?

People have been loving non-human beings for centuries too, is this any different or is the likeness just a little too close?

Do we need a different term for this type of love?

Here I have no answers, only questions that I wanted to pose so that we can share in my existentialism 😀

This is not to dismiss that it is a relationship and that the feelings can be very real for folks in it, but it’s also to acknowledge the ways these technologies can and are impacting our expectations on love and romantic relationships to become more centered on convenience, avoidance or control

What would bell hooks say?

Maybe it’s not letting the soft animal of your body love what it loves as per Mary Oliver? Maybe it’s all of the above?

I love yapping about desire because it allows me to put my sociologist hat on as we look at the macro and micro level of factors that can play into desire. Maybe it’s cultural? Maybe it’s relational? Maybe it’s big platforms out to ruin your attention span and self-esteem? Take solace in the truth that it’s never just you to “blame” for not wanting intimacy.

It’s a deeply unerotic time in the world rn but it’s also more important than ever that we keep turning to pleasure, play and connection because that’s what gives us the capacity to keep fighting 🤝😈

In my latest for @wildsecrets.official I dive a lil deeper and write about my learnings in love and in relationships through non-monogamy, both inside and outside of the therapy room

Of course with any writing about relationships, none of these are exclusive to non-monogamy or any one experience but are a collection and mosaic of my own learnings. Regardless of structure, our intimate relationships are our greatest classrooms and mirrors for ourselves and each other 🪞

Link in bio if you’re curious 💌

She’s an accredited clinical psychos-xual therapist babyyyyyyyyyy and what a journey we’ve been on together throughout all these years from my pleasure archetype quiz with @adorebeauty @the.pleasurespace to co-writing an academic paper to featuring on @abciview to hosting dreamy queer speed dating events @welcometoloveclub_ to opening up my own virtual practice 🥰🥹

I’ve just received my official clinical level accreditation from the Society of Australian S-xologists, making me one of only 30 clin psychos-xual therapists in Australia !!!!

Can’t say I ever thought I’d be writing about booty toys and wands for @9newssydney yet here we are 😈 Special mentions to our favourites @womanizerglobal @vush_official @lelo_aus

What’s been your experience with bringing in toys? Link in bio 🤝

It’s National Kissing Day this weekend and I think the world could be a much better place if we were all smooching each other better and more often and without the expectation that it has to be anything more than just a good time

So here’s your hot tips and your homework for this weekend: smooch your lover, your partner, your partner’s partner if that’s how you do, smooch your homie or smooch your crush, smooch in bed, at a red light, on a dancefloor, you get it. Just do some smooching 💋 Save this for the weekend!

Round two of my book recommendations because I just could not stop once I started. You’re welcome 😈📚

From one book fiend to another, happy reading 💋🧚‍♀️📚

Here are some of the most repeated questions and comments I’ll hear about intimacy therapy, all of which I have many opinions about 😀

No there is no minimum amount of suffering that you have to experience before seeking further support or education, nor does it need to symbolize some deep mysterious truth about being “broken” or your relationship being incompatible. The ways that we exist in relationships and play with other bodies is beautiful and so deeply human. It’s also allowed to be messy and imperfect, much like therapy tbh

Curious? My books are open 👅

Always late to the trends but here’s the pleasure and intimacy propaganda I fell for and had to walk myself back from 🫣 Yes even your therapists can’t escape the cultural and social machines of sxual expectations, miseducation and assumptions

When it comes to solo play, we often get in the habit of finding what works, finding our go-to content, position or toy and getting it over and done in less than 5 mins before moving onto our next meeting or chore. For many, our routine never strays from how we first started to maz or it gets shorter and shorter in duration as we rush to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible.

This is your reminder to not just keep it hot and fun in your relationship, but to do it for yourself too. There’s always more to learn about your body and your s-xuality if you take the time to look for it. What’s hotter than that? 👅👅

Taking up space in relationships has been the biggest theme for sessions of late, whether it’s asking to open the relationship, initiating s-x, repairing after an argument, sharing that something hurt you to begin with.

These are some reminders that I’ve been saying in sessions a lot lately that could be useful for you too.

When we push down our own needs and wants, we can feel resentment and bitterness when others share theirs. That’s a signal to ask yourself what else is missing 🪞 Martyrdom is not the purpose of relationships or your life.

You’re allowed to ask. Our partners are not need fulfillment machines and that’s a whole other lesson of relationships. You’re allowed to ask nonetheless 🌀

Latest writing for @wildsecrets.official 💌💋 There’s a whole lotta hype around non-monogamy and polyamory in the culture and media at the moment, so consider this your 101.

Link in bio if you wanna dive in!

Loved celebrating Mardi Gras with this interview at @pedestriantv @durex.au and chatting about how y’all are naughty freaks 🏳️‍🌈⛓️

Hello little people in my phone, here’s a reintroduction to me since it’s been a while (years now) 🪞 So yes duh, I’m a relationship and s-x therapist. I work with lotsssss of areas but mostly topics including desire, pleasure, p-rn, non-monogamy, embodiment, and neurodivergence.

I write things when I feel like it, I host queer speed dating events over at @welcometoloveclub_ and I also educate folks with disabilities on relationship and dating skills over at @thedateabilityproject 🤝

I’m currently personally exploring the worlds of somatics and tantric massage, being in my “learning by doing” era which has been super fun. I’ve also been curious lately about the intersection of s-x and death and all that they have in common. I’ve got some delicious things in the works including panels, published academic papers (whoa) and even more writing for you.

I have also just opened my books at Come Back to Bed as my private practice (double whoa), link in bio for online sessions and s-x ed consults 👅

Photography: @tnzzl__ 💋

Try these on for size 👅🤝 Communicating more during spicy time is a topic that comes up time and time again in session. It can feel tricky for many reasons and one I know is often that we don’t have any positive role modeling around what this can look like, so here we are 💋

Some V-Day cards for you to send your lover, your sweet little play thing, your crush, whomever the shoe fits 💌🌹 Go ahead, you know you wanna

Valentine’s Day is fasttttttttt approaching, and I am a sucker for a love letter and also a firm believer that telling folks how much they mean to you and what you adore about them shouldn’t only happen when you’re in an argument or at their eulogy

So I’ve written up some ideas and inspo for you if you think 2025 might be the year for love letters, but are unsure where to start or just want some fun and unique ideas. There are only so many times you can write “we’ve been through many ups and downs” 😀😀

I got you and you’re welcome 💌🌹

The wild combo of these books has me in such an emotional rollercoaster. I feel simultaneously held and angry and outraged and curious and sad and everything in-between, and I wouldn’t have it any other way 😀🤪

Even though each of these books speak to what all seems like very different topics in the world, they each explore important themes and systems that can impact the way that we learn, experience and interact with our bodies, others and the world at large. From the patriarchy to collective trauma to attachment styles, it’s a good day to be a reader 🧎‍♂️

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