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Desire as an Invitation, not a Demand

Less Self-Help Books, More Smut

Ask Sel: Is Pain with Penetration Normal?

How to Write Your Way to Better Sex

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The human behind the screen

Hello! I'm Selina Nguyen (she/they)

I'm a relationship and sex therapist and founder of Come Back to Bed. I've spent years studying the science and the art of good relationships and good sex. Here I write, collaborate and share resources on my learnings. My holy mission is creating better sex and better relationships for all through education, pleasure and connection. Fluff up your pillows, get cosy and let's go.

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PSA: Spontaneity is overrated and your fixation on “waiting for the mood to strike” makes you miss out on lots of great s-x 🥰 The process of building desire together can be hot as hell!!

This month has been an incredibly juicy and energizing one for reading 🧚‍♀️🤝 I am OBSESSED with each and every one of these reads for so many reasons, and I need you to read them so that we can discuss asap

By now, you know I love a good list 🧎‍♂️ Lately, conversations have orbited around the definition of s-xy and how these definitions are forever changing. It is of course closely influenced by gender, body, ability and the like, but it is also a state of mind and a story that you create. Mind you, a story that you don’t inherently need validated or witnessed by other people unless you want it to be. You can just feel s-xy all for your damn self.

It’s a continual choice to shift focus from looks and aesthetic to how your body feels and following your pleasure instead. It’s deciding to stop moving your goalposts of “I’ll be s-xy if…” or “when…” and knowing that it’s always been available to you - if you want it. It can be all of these dot-points or none of them. It’s all perspective baby 🌀

This anon question was an interesting one to tackle with only one sentence of context but here we go! D/s is a huuuuuuuge spectrum and it’s worth getting crystal clear on what it means for you because you could be indirectly asking for one thing and your partner is thinking of another. It’s a worthy reminder that dominance does not inherently equal aggression or non-consensual 🤝

One facet I often come across in sessions is folks worrying about disrespecting their partner despite their partner making a very clear request, so those folks instead get distracted by the meaning or story that we can attach to the experience. So in exploring d/s, reassurance and reminders can go a long way xxxx

-Love, S

We all have a responsibility to learn how to handle these kinds of disclosures with care because even if you think you don’t know a victim-survivor of SA, you do. You don’t need to be trained professional to show up with care and these are some useful starting points for how to do just that.

The question “do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?” can go a long way in figuring out what that person is wanting from you. It’s also just as important to know what resources are available like the wonderful teams over at @thesurvivorhub or @fullstopaustralia 🧡

In honour of the super delicious and yummy release of Gillian Anderson’s book Want which is full of women’s fantasies and an embodiment of pleasure in written form, I need to remind you of S-xy Stories here on Come Back to Bed (I forgot about it too). A community-made space of saucy stories written by you, for you 👅

Whether you’re reminiscing on your fave experiences, your fantasies, dedicating a piece to lover, or just practicing your writing skills, it’s welcome. Submissions are forever open, get to work!!!!!

This is a situation I see way too often in long-term relationships and it can also play out in our solo sessions.

There are so few areas in our lives where we accept this “set and forget” approach that we can often have towards s-x and desire - that we can start off well and then never need to adapt, fine-tune or nourish it 😀😀 Even in the face of changing life circumstances like babies, disability, mental health and the like, there is an expectation that s-x and desire should “naturally” prevail without intervention or effort

There are often layers of thought to it: “it’s easier to just follow the same script” or “it should just happen naturally” or “it’s good enough” or “it’s too awkward to change it up now” and more. Each layer can get in the way of creating opportunities and s-xual experiences that actually align what our evolving wants, needs and life circumstances. S-x and desire is meant to change and evolve as we do, you just have to keep up and create new scripts accordingly 🧚‍♀️

Just like we hit the gym to feel good or create budgets for our financial futures, we know that it’s these little habits and everyday practices that build up and support us over time. Even if we don’t see immediate change or get immediate gratification, we know it can be good for us because it’s aligned with our values or priorities.

So just like we look after our health, our finances, our homes and more, tending to our s-xuality usually comes pretty far down on the list for many of us. Sometimes it’s so far down that it’s non-existent 😀

It’s these practices that build up over time. They can make it easier for you to switch into the mindset of touching and being touched, but they’re also delicious and juicy experiences in their own right. They remind you to explore, slow down and savour. These are just some examples of what that can look like 🌀 What’s on your list?

Who said s-x ed had to be all clinical and boring? For this round of S-x Ed for a S-x Therapist, I was in dire need of some fun, entertaining and light-on-the-brain reads so here we are

Each Winter, I feel called to return to @euphemia.russell Slow Pleasure and each time I take away something different. I’m forever learning to slow down, re-connect and find pleasure in the present moment. This book serves us a potent reminder of why it’s important and how to get there 🌀

I found S-x Lives of Australian Women while thrifting the other week and it’s been a curious dive into s-xual behaviour and being able to see what’s changed and what hasn’t in the 15+ years since its publication

ACOTAR was just a fun rollercoaster of emotions and s-xy fairies. I finished the series a while back now, but I wanted to include it because it actually taught me about the power of smut in exploring imagination and fantasy but also building anticipation

So you’ve just gone on a bunch of dates, but you’re not really sure how to untangle the rollercoaster of emotions that is Crush Energy + first date nerves + do-they-like-me-or-do-they-not + remembering that thing your therapist said 😀😀

The post-date eight by Logan Ury is a great resource for you to recenter and come back to what’s important to you. It can help shift our focus from chasing this checklist and “do they tick all of our boxes” because these checklists can be temporary and fleeting! Instead we’re shifting towards “what’s my body telling me?”, “did I actually enjoy how I felt around them?” or “what side of myself did they bring out?” Save these for your next date, good luck babe!

I liked this question because I got to put on my sociologist hat for this one 😚 There are soooooo many reasons that come to mind for why young folks are reported to be having less s-x these days. Ones that I didn’t include are also things like being more medicated than ever, changing priorities, having less play and exploration = less s-xual exploration. Again none of these reasons are inherently bad or judgments of those who love their online relationships, s-x tech etc.

And I could go on and on, but I also think why does it matter? The focus on quantity or frequency is boring 🍅🍅🍅 because it doesn’t say anything about the quality of the s-x we’re actually having, which is always the most important factor

It reminds of the quote from Peggy Kleinplatz, “Low desire may be evidence of good judgement. We would not expect “normal” people to have strong desires for low quality s-x.”

Y’all there is so much you can do with technology these days especiallyyyyyyyyy when it comes to doin’ the dirty, teasing and being playful with each other 🥵 It can be lighthearted and fun or it can be downright filthy. You can write out your fantasies or your most savored moments, use chat GPT, repurpose scenes from your favourite books or take a naughty selfie. It can truly be as simple as “I’ve been thinking about your mouth on me” or “Remember when we tried XYZ, that was incredibly hot”. Go wild and report back to me x

It’s giving Netflix’s How to Build a S-x Room 🍒 Howeverrrrrrrrr in this economy, very very few of us have the $$ to be creating a whole ass s-x room. Instead I’m helping you out with some s-x therapist-approved tips, and a reminder that your bedroom can be your s-x room, your sacred space, your palace of pleasure. So pick up your f’ing socks 😀😀

What have you found that helps?

Prompted to revisit adrienne maree brown’s Pleasure Activism as per @smallbeyond Relational Somatics program 🌀

Many folks struggle with saying no in fear of upsetting or inconveniencing others, or having had experiences when our no wasn’t respected.

We all have a responsibility to be receptive and responsive to others’ boundaries, and just as much, we also have the responsibility of identifying and setting our own. When we don’t identify or set our limits, we become more rigid and tense trying to hold it all together. It’s only when we set our limits, we can relax and play and be generous within them.

A reflection question for ya: in what areas of your life, do you still struggle saying no? What lies within your responsibility?

Your reminder that pleasure is the point 🌀 It’s the measure, it’s everything. I created the @the.pleasurespace quiz with @adorebeauty @sunroom.so last year to show you just that. Here’s an interview with the sweet @phoebeblogg where we dive back into all of this goodness. Links in bio! X

There’s something about this time of the year where folks are reallyyyyyyyy questioning their relationships. For some, maybe they’ve been working through the same issues and the mid-year point highlights a lack of change. For some, it’s winter and we’re exhausted. For some, it’s feeling the siren song of hot girl summer. Whatever it is, I’ve got many questions for ya to help your decision

Save it, share it, send it to your friend who needs it. Good luck ❤️‍🩹

What’s that saying? An O a day keeps the doctor away?

The latest with @bazaaraustralia 🍊 Link in bio baby

Where self-help books is the science, spicy books is the art and the practice of pleasure. In this essay I will—

A week post-Quickies and the joy is still unreal 🍒 So much of my job is connection, self-expression and finding each other, and it’s so damn cool that I now get to facilitate and create spaces like these

I’ve been busy reading ACOTAR but trust that I have some juicyyyyyyy stuff coming your way soon. Stay tuned 😚

Queer: less as who I’m taking home that night or how I dress, but as so much more than that. Queer as in ever-changing and fluid. Queer as in all of this and also none of this.

Happy pride 🍊🍋🍒

Sundays are for sitting in the grass eating fruit

I yap about desire a lot. Here’s some thoughts and some things I find myself repeating in sessions, no context

*Edit: I meant spontaneous desire is not better than responsive desire, my bad lol

Repeat after me: p*netration should never be painful!!

For the latest edition of Ask Sel, we’re talking about the potential causes of pain with p*netration in which there are many 😭 Read the full answer at Come Back to Bed, link in story xxxxx

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