How am I supposed to feel good in bed when my body type isn't trending?

Looking a certain way will attract amazing sexual partners, which will automatically result in mind-blowing sex, right? WRONG.

If you were socialised as a woman, chances are you grew up with strong messaging around your role in the bedroom: being the object of desire. Basically, you are the thing that someone wants.

Ah yes, what a lovely role to have (eyeroll). We know there are a million reasons to find someone attractive: their humour, their brain, their skill set, their personal style etc. Yet somehow, women still get the memo that their appearance holds the most value - that beauty is the real currency.

By valuing a certain body type, we inadvertently devalue others- a body becomes something that can be sculpted and modified, instead of accepted as they are. This gives industries the opportunity to swoop in and claim to have the almighty solution (usually in the form of a beauty product, diet plan or cosmetic procedure). However, in order for these industries to keep raking in the cash, they need new reasons to sell you their stuff. As a result, body types become trends. We all know the classics: the Hourglass (think Marilyn); Aerobic fit (think Jane Fonda); Heroin Chic (think Kate Moss) and thin-with-minimal-curves (think 2000s Paris Hilton). Then came the Instagram Body, where suddenly thighs were celebrated (yay!). This opened the door to the Body Positivity movement...glorious, we’ve arrived! Now it’s 2025, and all bodies are celebrated and properly represented, right? Wrong again, Cutie. Introducing the most recent fixation: the Ballerina Body. Many blame the popularisation of weightloss drugs like Ozempic for this latest trend. Exhausting, isn’t it?

Change as we know is foundational to trends, so what happens when the trending body shifts at a rate that no one can safely keep up with? Simple: more products and procedures are sold as the golden ticket to body satisfaction. The entanglement of the beauty industry and capitalism is nothing new and their influence can seep into our personal relationships. 

Furthermore, by painstakingly chasing a certain look, we hold ourselves to goalposts that keep moving and tend to assume our sexual partners feel the same…that they will expect us to de-robe and present a “perfectly sculpted bod”. I don’t know about you, but what kind of person do you want to be getting naked with? Someone with those expectations? Or someone who’s just keen to experience pleasure with you? Think about it a little…

On top of all of this, how might this chasing perfection and trending body types affect our sexual pleasure?

Well, ironically, constantly obsessing over our bodies can be the quickest way to take us out of our bodies and into our heads. This can lead to racing thoughts and negative self talk (rarely will this result in a fun time).

When we focus on appearance, we miss out on the opportunity for sexual connection, exploration and play. So, how can we silence the noise and tune into our own pleasure?

OUT OF THE BEDROOM

The first thing you want to do is to allow yourself to recognise any negative thoughts as they appear and acknowledge them without judgement.

Sexy is an energy- not a body type.

Create your own personal definition of what feeling sexy means to you. Think of a time when you felt confident (not related to appearance). 

Eg. Your tap was leaking and instead of calling someone, you watched a Youtube tutorial and fixed it yourself- every now and then, you pass the sink and still feel a sense of satisfaction. Or, you explained a difficult concept for someone and as you spoke, you noticed their eyes light up and you got to witness the moment it clicked.

Now, close your eyes and try to recall how you felt inside your body- Capable? Proud? Powerful?

Next, think of a time you felt connected to another person. This could be something as simple as sharing a smile with the individual whose pram you helped lift onto the bus; or the time you sat on your friend’s couch and laughed so hard you thought you might pass out. Again, try and recall how you felt after the interaction- Alive? Joyful? Seen?

Hell yeah you did. Remember that this feeling is always available to you to create and feel.

IN THE BEDROOM

Many women struggle to fully relax when receiving pleasure. Some describe feeling a pressure to perform and/or to focus on their partner’s pleasure instead of their own. Getting stuck in your own head will affect your experience and enjoyment. Imagine you put your favourite movie on, but all you do for the next two hours is overthink an interaction you had with a colleague that day. The movie comes to an end and you barely remember it, let alone enjoyed it. Well, the same goes for the bedroom. 

Feel

According to OMGYes, focusing on something you can feel can be an effective way of keeping your head in the game. Focusing on sensation will connect you to what is happening in the moment. Try touching a non-sexual body part (such as an arm or thigh) of either your partner or yourself, and really tap into how it feels on your palm. Play with different types of pressure, pacing and direction, and make a mental note of what feels good and what doesn’t.

Inner Monologue

If you notice your mind begin to wander or negative self talk starts to creep in, try giving your brain a job. OMGYes suggests narrating your experience. This works in two ways: it occupies the mind AND highlights the sexiness around you. It may sound silly, but just try it. When distraction starts to creep in, start describing what you see and feel. This can be spoken aloud, or kept to yourself. It could sound something like “Their hand is on my knee. It feels warm. They’re kissing my neck…it feels wet…they’re moving their hand up my thigh…I can hear their breath in my ear”.

Flex Unflex

Being hyper-aware of your body during sex can sometimes look like tensing particular body parts to achieve or maintain a certain appearance or position. This can look like sucking in your stomach or holding an uncomfortable position because you think it looks good. Annoyingly, the tensed body part is then what your brain is likely to focus on, moving you away from feeling pleasure in other areas. Practicing ways to relax your muscles will naturally promote a calmer mind and bring you back into the present moment. From your toes to your head, try tensing and releasing these individual muscle groups as you work your way up your body. This might look like curling your toes and then releasing, tensing your butt and releasing, balling your hands into fists and releasing. This will help locate any areas of tension so you can consciously release and surrender to receiving pleasure.

Give these tips a try and remember:

You’re sexy. You’re worthy of pleasure. Enjoy yourself.

Written by Nina David.

Nina is a student Sexologist with a background in theatre and performance. She has hands-on experience supporting people with disabilities, specialising in high needs clients. Nina brings adaptability and a deep respect for individual autonomy to her work. She aims to connect, communicate, and put people at ease. Nina advocates for body acceptance and actively challenges societal stereotypes around gender, sexuality, and pleasure.