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Writer's pictureSelina Nguyen

Sex is Rarely Truly Spontaneous, Here's Why

Thanks to Emily Nagoski and their landmark book, Come As You Are, we know sexual desire can be spontaneous or responsive. This means that for some folks, they can experience desire like a flick of a switch whereas for others, it needs to be triggered by a sexual stimulus. This can change as we get older, as we change relationships or even change within the same relationship. Like all things, it's a spectrum and not a distinct binary. Spontaneous desire is what we commonly see in movies and media, and it's what we often associate with hot, dirty and overwhelming passion. It's also what most of my clients refer to when they sit across from me in the therapy room and say "I want more spontaneous sex". If only I had a dollar for every time I heard that.


Often when we refer to spontaneous sex, we're referring to the sex we had at the beginning of a relationship where everything was new and shiny, and sex that seemingly required less effort. When I push clients a bit further to explain what they mean by 'spontaneous', I often hear words like "exciting", "feeling free" or "getting lost in each other's bodies". Here is when we start to decouple spontaneous sex with good sex.


It's one of the biases of the brain that when we look back on experiences, we cherry-pick the best parts and glaze over everything else. When we look back on this spontaneous sex at the beginning of relationships and dating, we glaze over all the effort that set us up so that we could have these hot and sexy experiences. We intentionally made time for a date, we'd flirt, we'd tease, we'd dress up and hype ourselves up, and we'd make an effort to actually have fun or to create a new experience together. All things that contribute to responsive desire. It may feel spontaneous or like less effort because we were excited and driven by hormones and curiosity. This naturally shifts in long-term relationships, but our expectations often don't.


You may absolutely experience sexual desire spontaneously, but the reality is that partnered sex requires getting on the same page. This requires communication, effort and time. This isn't the exception, instead it's actually the rule. It's also where many folks who experience low or no sexual desire often get stuck because there is expectation or pressure for us to always be on the same page. We then freak out because we don't know how to get there or if we even will, and we don't want to disappoint each other which only adds to the urgency. Then around in a circle we go.

We need to let go of the myth and pedestal that we place spontaneous sex on. When very few things in our lives are truly spontaneous anymore, especially as we introduce children or co-habiting into the mix, spontaneity is a lot to ask for. When we release this myth, we can let go of the pressure we place on ourselves. We learn that "not right now, but give me 10 minutes to get on the same page" or "I'm unsure, can we just make out and check back in?" are options. We can learn and appreciate the process of building desire together, learn more about our sexuality and meet ourselves where we are at - not where we think we should be at. That in itself is sexy as hell.


In understanding that partnered sex requires ongoing effort, it's important that we develop a mindset and culture in our relationships that has these steps built in. This can look like flirting, non-sexual touching, sexual touch without it needing to end in sex, or prioritising new experiences together and quality time. We need to recognise that these habits are important because they're building blocks for sexual desire in long-term relationships. What I've been alluding to is known as the concept of simmering. Just like a pot of water, simmering is building sexual energy without actually having sex or committing to it. It's a lot easier to take that pot of water to a boil when it's been simmering, rather than starting from stone cold. With the mess and chaos that is adulthood, it's easy to let it all slip to the wayside. While these are the foundations, it also requires some adaptation again as children are thrown in the mix, as our bodies age or as our life circumstances change.


The reality is that this is what makes sex not only great, but sustainable and satisfying - the effort, the flirting, the tension, and the want. Let's reclaim putting effort into our sex because the alternative is like waiting for a bus that may never come. We get to decide what's worth our time, so choose pleasure. Like any experience, you get out of it what you put into it. Spontaneity as a measure of good sex is overrated and it's overdone. It's about time we move on.

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