It's Not You, It's the Mental Load

We hear about the mental load when it comes to the equal or equitable distribution of household labour, meaning who does what chores in the household. Who remembers to get more toilet paper? Who plans, buys and cooks the weekly meals? Who manages the calendar? Who keeps the house going?

Though little conversational space is given to the mental load that comes with intimacy in long-term relationships and what this can do to one's sexual desire (spoiler: an unmanaged or uneven mental load often slams on the sexual brakes). This has been a recurring theme in sessions as of late and has been fuelling me with rage as I work with individuals bearing so much of the responsibility in their romantic and sexual relationships.

Mental load in this context refers to how a partner can take on much of the responsibility to not "ruin the mood", often sidelining their own pleasure or discomfort to regulate their partner's emotions. This mental load can be cognitive, emotional, logistical and still very much physical. It often flags to me that there may be some fears of disappointing one's partner or of rejection, and that there's some work to do around communication and re-negotiation of expectations.

While the mental load in this context is not always or exclusively the labour of women or AFAB folks, it is overwhelmingly so for women in heterosexual relationships throughout my sessions and clinical experience. Yes putting effort into a sexual experience or caring about your partner's emotions is part of being a good partner, but when it is one-sided or sacrifices one's pleasure, it's unrecognised labour.

We can take ourselves through so many mental gymnastics for the sake of protecting "the mood", no wonder we're all exhausted and turned off by the time an opportunity for sex rolls around. Sex starts to become associated with obligation and another chore to tick off the list, rather than something pleasurable, erotic and an experience to savour.

The mental load can look like who manages the scheduling of sex and date nights as well as who has to attend sex therapy or be the one who has to read all the books and watch Instagram Reels about "keeping the spark alive". What also often happens years down the track is that all this mental labour can harden into further miscommunication, resentment and sexual aversion,

Sometimes this labour is imposed upon us by having subpar partners or a series of miscommunications, and sometimes it is also what we simply assume is our role without any explicit conversation. However the mental load is always connected to and built upon a series of learnt and often patriarchal beliefs about intimacy and our roles including:

• Who should initiate and how often

• The “if you loved me, you’d desire me” trap

• Gendered expectations about men always wanting sex and women withholding/being the gatekeepers

• That it’s our responsibility to please 

• That hearing a no or feedback equals personal rejection

• That it should always be spontaneous and effortless

• That no orgasm or no penis-in-vagina penetration equals failure

The interplay of these learnt and limiting beliefs can increase the pressure we place on ourselves to have sex more frequently than we might actually want and to shame ourselves for not wanting to. We learn that these are the supposed standards of what is considered "normal" and that this is our role in relationships if we want to considered a "good partner". This can be compounded by cultural messaging as much as previous sexual partners or relationships reinforcing these beliefs.

What I often see happen in response to this pressure and shame is that women can then feel overwhelmed, freeze and then start avoiding sex and anything sex-related. The other end of the spectrum in response to this pressure and shame is that women can then start pushing themselves even further, overriding their bodies telling them that they don't want sex and it contributes to sexual aversion. As such, the mental load continues and becomes a vicious cycle.

The mental load relating to sex and intimacy in long-term relationships can show up in various ways at various different points. Consider how some of the ones listed below appear in your current or previous relationships. While some of these points can appear on the surface as thoughtful gestures, is it really the selfless act that we think it is if it's bound up in obligation and duty?

Leading up to sex:

• Tracking sexual frequency and feeling responsible to plan the next one

• The prep work: grooming, dressing, managing contraception, making it a sexy experience, cleaning the space

• Organising logistics: the kids, clean sheets, privacy, date night or uninterrupted time in the calendar

• Anticipating their reaction and planning how to say no softly

• Overriding your own 'No' to avoid conflict or avoid them feeling rejected

During sex:

• Making sure they feel desired and confident, even though you’re not into it

• Faking an orgasm to protect their feelings

• Feeling like their pleasure is your responsibility

• Enduring pain, trauma triggers or discomfort because “it’ll ruin the mood”

• Constant balancing of energy levels, medications or sensory needs to ensure you're ready for sex and avoid ruining said mood

• Suppressing what you want because you might  be “too much” or "take too long"

• Being the only one to initiate aftercare

In-between sexual experiences:

• Doing research to “fix your desire” to satisfy your partner, including going to therapy, doing all the reading, buying all the supplements

• Feeling like not wanting sex is solely your problem to fix

• Being the only one to reflect or initiate convos about improving sex

• Meticulously planning any feedback delivery to protect your partner’s ego

Aren't we sick of this? Imagine what we could do with our relationships if we didn't need to dedicate so much of our big brain power to "not ruining the mood". Imagine the pleasure, intimacy and emotional depth that we could have if we weren't so fixated on protecting each other and instead focused on building the relational skills to communicate and to know that someone asking for their needs is not a reflection of your failings. There's no room for eroticism if we're focused on protection over genuine connection. Martyrs make for terrible sexual partners.

Let your needs be invitations, teachers and doorways to connection. Talk about it. Ruin the mood and ruin it again and again if that’s what it takes. Learn that "the mood" is not so fickle. Share the load. Create relationships where doing so is celebrated and centred. 

Having intimacy that you’re not enjoying means the mood was already ruined to begin with.