So You Want to Explore Non-Monogamy?

Non-monogamy is the latest buzzword when it comes to relationships and it's about time. Throughout my years of practice, I have seen a surge in couples wanting to explore opening up, not shying away from intentional conversations about relationship structures, and diving right into the beautiful mess.

Non-monogamy is (incredibly) slowly becoming more understood and widely accepted, so much so that I was invited by ABC to explore these recent trends in relationships. You can read and watch more about it here.

What's also wonderful is the rise in couples seeking out therapy before and during the early stages of this conversation as a preventative and protective measure, rather than only as a reaction to breaches in relationship agreements and things going awry.

Going slow with this phase of the conversation is so important in making sure everyone involved is coming from a place of security and safety, rather than scarcity, fear and urgency. It's easy to get swept up in either end of the emotional spectrum when this non-monogamy conversation comes up - to get swept up in the excitement or to get swept up in the anxiety.

For some long-term relationships, the conversation alone of wanting to open up or wanting something different can feel incredibly destabilising and sometimes like a betrayal. If this is the case for you or your partner, know that it won't feel like this forever. Going slow here allows us to re-stabilise. Going slow here allows us to be anchored in ourselves, our personal values and our relationship goals.

It can be hard to know where to start, who to trust and how to discern what is actually useful information and what is simply repurposed Relationship 101 advice. Be wary of anyone who tells that there is a definitively right or wrong way to do non-monogamy. Of course with the exceptions of abusive and unhealthy relationship dynamics, the beauty of non-monogamy and relationships in general is that it is uniquely yours and co-created. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships, and for many, the journey of non-monogamy is about finding what is your best fit.

One of the first steps that I always recommend to clients is getting amongst the community and hitting the books. As a book fiend first and therapist second, I know that knowledge is power and I know the value that can exist in finding language and labels that fit your lived experience. The content recommendations below aim to start that journey alongside you. While most of the recommendations are specifically geared towards non-monogamy (duh), some are also just about how to do relationships well and with care and that I personally recommend.

Books:

• The Non-Monogamy Playbook by Ruby Rare

• Love in a Fucked Up World by Dean Spade

• Entwined: Essays on Polyamory and Creating Home by Alex Alberto

• Polysecure by Jessica Fern

• The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix

Podcasts:

• Multiamory

• Polycurious

• Curious Fox

• Modern Anarchy

Instagrams:

• @polyphiliablog

• @chillpolyamory

• @polyamfam

• @consent.wizardry

• @polyampoppy

Yet of course, there is only so much that you can learn from books and screens. For many, offline connections, community and learning by doing is where the most growth happens. This could look like following local events on social media, connecting with local Facebook groups or hopping on apps like Feeld.

Realistically, with the general lack of non-monogamy specific events, this might also require you to explore non-monogamy adjacent events, for example, queer, kink or sex-positive events including munches, play parties and the like. While non-monogamy might not be the explicit focus of these events, there is a considerable overlap that exists across these intersections and where you may find more like-minded folks to connect with. In getting amongst it, you have the opportunity to learn and experience what non-monogamy can feel like, what versions could fit for you and which might not, or to simply know that you're not alone in this beautiful mess.

In the name of community building, another important pillar of any big relationship transition is leaning on your people. While I will always advocate for not solely relying on your romantic partner for emotional support, here I also recommend being discerning about the people in your life that you choose to share about this transition with. Not all support is equal, and sometimes it's just blatant judgement, criticism and blame.

I've seen the lack of support from friends and loved ones end up as a significant factor as to why some relationships deteriorate. You're allowed to be discerning here. Choose people that will love and show up for you in the ways that you need and ask for. Also choose people that you are not actively dating or sleeping with because that breathing room can make all the difference.

Ready to start the exploration? If you're wanting some further emotional hand-holding, know that you're not alone and that you can book in for a session with me here.

Good luck and go slow.